"Star Wars: The Last Jedi"

[Jesse]

Fuck, is this a bad movie!

[Jesse]

So, for starters, much like "The Force Awakens", if it seems like we saw this movie before, we did! "The Last Jedi"'s two main plots are the same as "The Empire Strikes Back". Plot A: Space chase, Plot B: main character meeting a Jedi master in order to be trained. Unlike "The Force Awakens", "The Last Jedi" doesn't make either of the rehashed plots the least bit interesting. The space chase is so fucking slow! I kept having flashbacks of the O.J.-in-the-Ford-Bronco chase from 1995. Realistically though, the space chase on "The Last Jedi" make the O.J. chase look like the last 5 minutes of any "Dukes Of Hazzard" episode in comparison. Slow and boring!

The Jedi-training plot was also boring and tedious. Most of that was Rey trying to convince Luke to train her in the ways of the Jedi. I think we ended up with all of 3 lessons before she went off to fight to Sith Lord. Whatever.

Then there is the end of the movie where we get an, almost frame-by-frame reshoot of the Battle Of Hoth from "The Empire Strikes Back" as well as a similar retelling of the throne room scene with Luke, Vader and the Emperor from "Return Of The Jedi".

Also had a ridiculously stupid, tangential subplot of two minor characters going to a casino planet (yeah, WTF?) for something (someone) who ended up being inconsequential to the rest of the film!

From there, there are a ton of nit-picky things to dislike about "The Last Jedi". Fans of the movie and well as the producers rightly call many of the complaints about the movie "nitpicking" and say that many of the same complaints could be made about the original Star Wars trilogy. They are right that many nitpicking complaints are there for the taking in the original trilogy, but, what they don't understand is that people don't nitpick those movies because they were good, exciting, original and entertaining movies! "The Last Jedi" was fucking as boring as watching paint dry! There was nothing else to do while watching it EXCEPT look for things that were stupid or didn't make sense in the real world! Yeah, I can suspend reality for the better part of 3 hours in order to enjoy an otherwise good movie with a good plot, character development and suspenseful scenes. I can't do it when the whole movie is crap! I'll get into these nitpicks later, but there are quite a few of them! Just wanted to give the overall bullshit rundown of the movie first!

[Jesse]

So, on a more nit-picky level, we have Leia, who gets blown out of an exploding c*ckpit of a spaceship, INTO SPACE! And somehow, through the Force, I guess (though nowhere in any of the movie has she been shown to have any Force power beyond hearing Luke's cries for help at the end of "Empire Strikes Back"), she is able to stay alive..... in the near absolute zero temperatures of space, with no oxygen and, somehow doesn't explode in the vacuum of space! Then, she floats herself back to the spaceship, where, if I'm remembering correctly, they just open the doors and she floats in! No one gets sucks out when they open the doors because, I guess, she has some sort of space bubble, decompression aura or something. Really stupid and, knowing that Carrie Fischer had died before this movie was completed, it would have been a perfect way to "off" her character.

The space chase plot was all about the rebel, err, resistance fleet running low on fuel. yet, they could stay just enough ahead of the Empire's..... errr, First Order's fleet to not get hit with their lasers. Not sure the issue of "space fuel" had ever been brought up before, but, whatever. Knowing the little bit about space that I do, I know that you don't need fuel beyond getting out of a planet's gravitational pull. In other words: If they were already moving in space fast enough to stay ahead of the First Order Fleet, they could've shut off the engines, and continued on at the same speed for light years without burning any fuel. Again, this is a nit-pick and one that I wouldn't have even thought of it the movie was entertaining otherwise, but that doesn't make it any less valid of a criticism.